I am having bits lopped off of me, and it is not fun.
God has laid out a lesson plan of What I Am About To Learn, and I'm not sure if I believe him.
It's all little stuff, mostly - like learning to be responsible in the areas that don't come naturally, and learning to be less smug and more gracious about areas that are natural for me to be responsible in, and giving up habits of thought and life that are, like smoking too much, not necessarily a sin, but a sin for me to continue any longer. And learning how to pray. I thought I knew how to pray. I don't.
I thought I was going to start learning these things last week. I'm still reading the lesson plan, and squirming as I try not to dread it.
Ask me in a hundred years whether it's worth it to be a bonsai tree. Or if you know already, please tell me so I can hang in there.
Actually - there are things people tell you are true, and you never know they are, until later. And there are things about God that are true that I didn't know until this week. Like being his friend and his son. Don't confuse me by asking how being a woman fits in with that, but someone prayed for me the other day that I would learn what it is to be God's son, and I think that might be part of what is going on. I am no longer a slave "because a slave does not know his master's business," which is from somewhere around John 15.
The more about God's business I know, the more I realize that I am inextricably entangled with this shockingly real Christ, this incomprehensible but alluring and awful Father, and this present-but-barely-on-the-edge-of-my-perception Spirit who brings me holiness in ways that make me sometimes wish I could go back to being the kid who thought that salvation was a mathematical equation. Me + Jesusonthecross = heaven, and why do grownups seem to like doing devotions? Who knows?
I would never have known the exquisite loneliness that grows inside when you wait on the Lord for the sons of God to be made known.
Mostly, I'm afraid that it's not real, that I'm not going to learn anything. I haven't been this weak in a long time.
Posted by tuggy at 11.08.04 01:16Aslan is real.
He is on the move, in far away places like Berlin and in dark corners of the hearts of his people. He really answers prayer, and you are being prayed for by your friends, your brothers and sisters, sons with you. James 5:13-18.
Well, it seems to be "Bob catching up on Tuggy's blog" week, here in the Hardie House. You've jangled up a bunch of nerves with this post, dearie. Thank you.
From one wonded traveller to another: Aslan is real. And remember Puddleglum in the evil Snake Witch's lair? (This is just the first thing that popped to mind.) The air was thick with incense and seduction. Two sons of Adam and a daughter of Eve were sitting around in a bit of a trance while the serpent-woman softly crooned to them. They were all in the first comfy spot after weeks and weeks of a cold, runny-nosed, dark, even subterranean journey. And they were all ready to admit that everything they knew was just a story, even Aslan.
Fortunately, Puddleglum leapt up and began stomping on the fire, telling the witch off with something along these lines: "I don't care if it IS all a story, witch! Even if it's just a fairy tale, it's a sight better than this dump. I'm for Aslan! I'm Aslan's marshwiggle! If that makes me a fool, so be it."
Gee, I wish I had those books again. I'm for Aslan.
Posted by: bob at 11.12.04 15:25