Claudia and Duffy

Feeling Stupid

Found a test/game/quiz whatever thingie. I almost lost, got in just under the wire.

Also, yesterday I had a traumatic experience with one of my teachers. "They" bluntly told me things I didn't want to hear about myself, about the way I've gone about my education these past years, in an effort to help me mend my ways for this last stretch, and I tried to explain how I wasn't as guilty as they were saying, and I got really upset, and I left and cried a few angry and self-pitying tears behind a building in the sun.

Then God poked my brain with his finger again and I remembered that just the day before I had been talking with someone about our human need to have other people point out our faults to us (because we don't see them clearly ourselves), and how I wanted to be in relationships where Christians were willing to do that for each other. And here I had one such relationship. Talk about humiliation. I felt about four years old, and knew that that was exactly what I should feel like. I tried to talk myself out of being quite crushed by that knowledge by saying that my goals and the teacher's goals have never been and never will be the same, but that didn't do much good, because the particular fault in me "they" had smacked me with is really something that'll screw me over in whatever is important to me, not only this specific academic setting.

The thing is, I know that this teacher has tried to tell me this before, but I never would listen when "they" tried to do it encouragingly. It took plain bluntness at a vulnerable moment before I'd listen. And now I have to change. Argh!